Please read this short piece on Family Dynamics in Estate Planning, as published in Point of View online magazine on December 2, 2025, also a short video clip.

Family Dynamics in Estate Planning

Last updated: July 7, 2026

I recently had the opportunity to help a family design their estate plan in order to streamline the process when it was handed over to their attorney for drafting. The idea was to make the lawyer’s job more efficient, allowing them to focus on preparing the legal documents, after which I reviewed the drafts to ensure that the intentions of the family were clearly reflected.

In this particular case, the family had a situation that, unfortunately, is not uncommon: one child was struggling with substance abuse and the other was financially responsible. The daughter was established in her career in wealth management, was engaged to someone in the same field, and had a very strong grasp of financial matters. Their son, on the other hand, was deep into his addiction, unable to manage his finances responsibly.

Initially, the parents wanted to create a trust for their son, with their daughter acting as trustee. They also planned to leave their daughter’s share of their estate to her outright, given her financial competence. It seemed like a straightforward approach, but I immediately saw potential for serious conflict down the road.

I explained to the parents that this arrangement could lead to a significant rift between the two siblings. The son, whose inheritance would be placed in a trust under his sister’s control, would likely resent her for holding the purse strings. Additionally, he might feel betrayed by his parents for not trusting him with his share outright, especially in comparison to his sister. This arrangement could create an environment where the siblings may possibly become estranged, and the trust might become a point of contention instead of a source of support.

Instead, I recommended that they establish separate trusts for each child, each with an independent trustee, someone who was not involved emotionally, such as a financial advisor, attorney, or a trusted family friend. The trust would give the trustee full discretion to decide whether distributions were appropriate based upon the circumstances at the time, without putting one child in the position of controlling the other’s access to funds.

The key takeaway

My key takeaway for families who are designing their estate plan is that fair doesn’t always mean equal, and equal doesn’t always mean equitable. Just because you want to treat your children equally doesn’t mean it’s the best approach for everyone involved. If circumstances dictate that one child requires more support than another, consider finding an equitable solution that acknowledges and respects the realities of each child’s (or grandchild’s) situation.

Moreover, and this is something I cannot stress enough, have the difficult conversations while you’re still alive. Sit down with your children, explain your thought process, and give them the opportunity to ask you questions. While you’re alive, you’re the referee. You can guide the conversation, clarify your intentions, and head off potential misunderstandings. After you’re gone, the referee is gone, and all bets are off. The last thing you want later is for your children to feel that you never liked them, trusted them or that they weren’t treated fairly.

I’ve seen trusts designed to last for a child’s entire lifetime, only paying out when they reached 70 years of age. While the parents may have thought this was a sound strategy, the message it sent was, “We didn’t trust you to manage your inheritance responsibly until now.” That’s a powerful, and often damaging, message.

In the end, estate planning is not just about drafting documents; it’s about communication and understanding. Make sure you take the time to explain your decisions to your family in your own voice. After all, the last thing you want is for your legacy to be overshadowed by confusion, resentment, or fractured relationships.